Blog on the Lillypad
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
The Ten Worst Things to Get on Hallowe'en
Based on stuff I (or family members) have actually received on Hallowe'en, I have compiled a list of the ten worst things to get while Trick or Treating. First, there are the bad but not terrible items. As you see them being dropped in your bag, you feel some regret, but you remember to say thank you because your parents raised you that way, and anyway, your Dad is standing there expecting you to say thank you. But these are items that eventually, you can either eat or use when all the good stuff is gone:
10. Sticky wads of "peanut butter chew candy" that used to come in orange and black wrappers, sometimes on a stick
9. Pennies
Next comes the stuff that technically passes as candy suitable for Hallowe'en, but if you had any brains you’d throw it away. However, there are ethics involved here. It is Hallowe'en, and these items do qualify as candy, so you make yourself eat them eventually. But they're really awful, and you get no pleasure whatsoever in eating them:
8. Candy corn
7. "Wax Candy" of any type. It used to come molded as vampire teeth or other spooky shapes, and I even saw an enormous wax candy harmonica once.
Next come the items you wouldn't eat anyway, but your Dad makes sure that you're not allowed to. He's worried about "loose" items that somebody may have mixed with rat poison or slipped a razor into. So you throw all this stuff away as soon as you get home, which is just as well, because nobody wants these items for Trick or Treat:
6. Those little boxes of raisins
5. Popcorn or popcorn balls
4. Apples
3. Oranges
2. Raisin cookies
But finally, the record-setting crapola thing to get on Hallowe'en, given to you by those well meaning Fundamentalists down the street who wouldn't know a good time with their fellow man if it flew up their noses, the ABSOLUTE WORST treat ever:
1. Chick tracts
But if you threw eggs at their door or toilet papered the tree in their front yard because they failed to cough up a decent treat for Trick or Treat, then it would be like saying you hate God, when really you're just mad because ONCE AGAIN, they remain clueless. Not that you could ever egg their door or TP their tree. Dad is still walking around with you. The whole point of Trick or Treat, historically, is that you're allowed to play tricks on people who don’t give good treats, but Dad is not buying it and never has. He does not care about the history of the holiday: you are not throwing eggs at anybody's door or soaping their windows or rolling the tree in their yard in toilet paper.
Based on stuff I (or family members) have actually received on Hallowe'en, I have compiled a list of the ten worst things to get while Trick or Treating. First, there are the bad but not terrible items. As you see them being dropped in your bag, you feel some regret, but you remember to say thank you because your parents raised you that way, and anyway, your Dad is standing there expecting you to say thank you. But these are items that eventually, you can either eat or use when all the good stuff is gone:
10. Sticky wads of "peanut butter chew candy" that used to come in orange and black wrappers, sometimes on a stick
9. Pennies
Next comes the stuff that technically passes as candy suitable for Hallowe'en, but if you had any brains you’d throw it away. However, there are ethics involved here. It is Hallowe'en, and these items do qualify as candy, so you make yourself eat them eventually. But they're really awful, and you get no pleasure whatsoever in eating them:
8. Candy corn
7. "Wax Candy" of any type. It used to come molded as vampire teeth or other spooky shapes, and I even saw an enormous wax candy harmonica once.
Next come the items you wouldn't eat anyway, but your Dad makes sure that you're not allowed to. He's worried about "loose" items that somebody may have mixed with rat poison or slipped a razor into. So you throw all this stuff away as soon as you get home, which is just as well, because nobody wants these items for Trick or Treat:
6. Those little boxes of raisins
5. Popcorn or popcorn balls
4. Apples
3. Oranges
2. Raisin cookies
But finally, the record-setting crapola thing to get on Hallowe'en, given to you by those well meaning Fundamentalists down the street who wouldn't know a good time with their fellow man if it flew up their noses, the ABSOLUTE WORST treat ever:
1. Chick tracts
But if you threw eggs at their door or toilet papered the tree in their front yard because they failed to cough up a decent treat for Trick or Treat, then it would be like saying you hate God, when really you're just mad because ONCE AGAIN, they remain clueless. Not that you could ever egg their door or TP their tree. Dad is still walking around with you. The whole point of Trick or Treat, historically, is that you're allowed to play tricks on people who don’t give good treats, but Dad is not buying it and never has. He does not care about the history of the holiday: you are not throwing eggs at anybody's door or soaping their windows or rolling the tree in their yard in toilet paper.
