Blog on the Lillypad
Monday, September 22, 2003
 | The Art of Being Yourself
I know few people who can get on the nerves of other people as thoroughly as I can. But over the last few years I have worked on being less obnoxious. What I've discovered is that working towards what I call naturalness has at least helped me not to offend people who consistently express generosity and kindness and have experienced a profound sense of being forgiven. I still get on the nerves of other people, and I have come see that I am even a royal pain in the arse to several people, but more on that later, if I think it profitable to discuss. The key to naturalness is to get away from illusions. I realized as I've read the FFF over the last few years that we Fundy Christians tend to project ourselves according to our own illusions. We title ourselves. Here are some sig lines from the FFF: |
NAME
A voice howling in the wilderness
NAME
The [NAME], a Guitar Twanging Pentecostal Pastor
NAME
Resident drunk, Bible-denying, God-hating, liberal, crypto-Catholic, sodomite hyper-Calvinist pharisee
NAME
Doctorate Of Preaching In Kilts
NAME--A sinner saved by grace!
People take these titles to themselves in good conscience, and usually the titles are witty or original. At worst, they are obnoxious rather than ouright offensive. And these sig lines may work for the people that use them. I'm sure they create these identifiers of themselves with a perfectly clear conscience.
The sig lines are harmless, but they do indicate a mindset. As far as I can see, it doesn't really matter what the sig line says. The fact is, once I title myself to you, once I say, "this is what I am," I close myself off from all the other things I am. If I title myself in a way that's accurate, I'm still narrowing the field of what I truly am. If I title myself in a way that's inaccurate, I am deceiving myself (and you) outright. As soon as I set up certain parameters, I then force myself to either abandon those parameters or defend them. And usually, we defend the parameters that we set up about ourselves.
I realize that this may sound picky, yet we Fundamentalists are dogged by our damning pride. And my pride will not damn me now that Christ has me; it will damn those who have not heard the Gospel and need to hear it from me. There is a moral and spiritual imperative for me to fight my pride---to be nothing so that the message of the Gospel is clear, untarnished by the illusions that I carry.
So I try very hard not to title myself. Similarly, in the last two years, especially after seeing for myself how artfully each person is written in the heavens, I try not to title others. Believe me, it is very hard not to title myself. It's 100 times harder not to title others. I make snap decisions and think, "What a jerk" or "What a sweet person" or "Wow! He's cool!" But even though it is of benefit to see and appreciate the damage a person can do, or the good that a person can do, or the gifts God has bestowed on a person, it is more beneficial to recognize that there is more to this person than I will ever see. So I try to view things more in a context of a whole person. It's more accurate to think, "Uh-oh, she's behaving angrily," or even "Now I know that person just lied, and he doesn't know I already know the truth" than it is to apply a label such as "She's a bully" or "He's a liar."
It lifts a burden from me for me simply to decide I don't want to work with a person because I've caught that person in lies. That's easier than trying to prescribe the person as a liar or trouble maker. It also spares me from disappointment to be happy in the kindness or sense of humor in another person without expecting that person to keep that trait prominent at all times. We must hope for the best whenever possible, and setting up parameters about what another person is can hinder us from hoping for the best. That doesn't mean refusing to notice real signs of trouble when dealing with others, but it does mean not signing off on them. I not only lack the power to accurately diagnose most people; I lack the skill to do so.
By the way, it is interesting to note that on the FFF, most of the sig lines are carried by preachers or elders. The characteristic of having to advertise one's self is strongest with them; in fact, descriptive sig lines is almost solely their domain, though others will put quotes under their sigs.
The other thing that any observer cannot help but notice in Fundamentalism is the amazing abundance of doctorates. First there are the genuine doctoral degrees, earned by men who took the trouble to attend a school and get them. However, even among these people, you get wind of those who did it by mail or went to a diploma mill. The title "Dr." is often brandished by some and often disputed by others. It raises envy like a flag going up. Then there are those who claim a doctorate because it is honorary. As far as I know, only in Fundamentalism are honorary doctorates routinely used to take the title "Dr." to one's name. The best rule when dealing with these so-called doctors is to take them based on how much knowledge they actually express in discussion or writing than to assume the "Dr." in front of their name means anything academic. And finally, there are actually those men who make up their doctorates and then spend a lot of time and energy insisting that they actually have a doctorate (whether earned or honorary. Some preachers make up doctorates based either way).
But this racing after a title is a sign of that same projection of the self. The person is declaring that this is what he is, and that immediately sets up parameters that the person will have to defend. It's an invitation to argument, scorn, anger, and jealousy. The best course is to have no title. At the very least, the best course is first to demonstrate the knowledge and skill, and then use the title. Most of these guys are found out by their own ignorance.
But whatever I claim for myself as already having or being is a means of pushing away the grace of God. If I tell God I am strong, I am refusing the grace that comes to those who are weak. If I tell God I am wise, I am discarding the grace by which He guides the simple. If I really want to write a Doctor Who story and decide it is unbecoming of me to do so, then I while away several hours bored and cranky, not being what I truly am because I decided something about myself that is contradicted by my own acknowledged predilections. How many of us have spent hours or days or even years of our lives making ourselves miserable by working hard at things we didn't even enjoy, all to be something that we had imposed upon ourselves and yet were not designed to be? Better to engage in harmless, happy activities and be thankful for the common joys of life than to become angry and unthankful while bitterly supposing we gain status from an image of ourselves that we have worked to create but is never true.
I still name myself; I still name others. And the decision to live more simply worries me at times when I think I am passing up opportunities. Yet overall, this is a happier way for me, a way that has freed me to speak to people with greater directness and sincerity.
